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dream_without_limits
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Name: Stephanie
Birthday: 12/13/1981
Gender: Female
Interests: jesus. music. passion. pictures. meeting new people. LOVE. the cubs. psychology. harmony. accents. miracles. working with children. making a difference. my friends. dreaming. black & white. changes. experiencing. springtime. traveling. life.
Expertise: well...i graduated from U of I with a BA in psychology...and now I'm getting my Masters in Counseling Psychology? I'd like to think I'm a good friend. And I make a darn good macaroni and cheese. :)
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  magoof8
Member Since:
2/16/2005
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| I'm writing today, for three reasons. First and foremost, I received an email from xanga last week telling me how much they missed reading my blogs (sidenote: who writes those. do they really read my entries? doubtful. still, it DID remind me of how long it has been since Ive written, so I guess their strategy worked) Secondly, I got reminded again today by my friend Filip that it indeed has been a while since I have written. And thirdly, I've just been thinking about something that I feel like writing about.
I'm currently a grad student at a Divinity School. This is almost humorous to me, because 5 years ago I definitely never would have envisioned my life heading in this direction. Now, I cant imagine my life any other way honestly. God works in such mysterious ways. And although I feel more certain that I'm supposed to be here than I do about other aspects of my life right now, there are aspects to this environment that are taxing on me.
Not only am I receiving an incredible education here in the theories, techniques and practice of being a counselor and everything that entails, I am also receiving quite the unexpected "education of Stephanie" and what it entails to be me...and more importantly, to be a Christian. This might sound ludacris, but I am learning more about my strengths, weaknesses, inadequacies, first impressions I make on people, areas in which I am disciplined, areas in which I succeed, areas in which I all too often fail, and everything else about myself than I had never expected to learn coming to grad school. Lord knows, my undergrad at U of I did not seem to offer Intro-to-Steph101. (that, or I just wasn't at a place in my life where I was willing or ready to take such a difficult course) :) Needless to say, this year has had many surprises and I realize how actually "unaware" I have been of myself.
Additionally, I am now learning theology. Every course I take helps me, little by little, gain a deeper more intense understanding of the Bible, of how to study the Bible, and of God's redemptive plan for my life. And in learning how to understand such things, I am also learning how I should really be living my life (granted, I definitely cannot claim that all of the appropriate actions follow such an understanding, but I am learning, none the less). Its cool how the Bible has become more of a tool and a way of life and a way of connecting to God instead of a text book for Christianity.
With this newfound understanding and "knowledge," however, I am finding that instead of having an overwhelming sense feeling like I now know more...I feel like I actually know less. I feel like the more I learn, the more I question things I once thought certain. The more I learn, the more I really critically begin to examine everything I felt was "absolute" at one point in my life or another. I'm realizing that this life isnt about everything we "know" (minus the few absolutes that I would die for...thats a bit different than what I'm referring to). And as someone who really enjoys learning, it is amazing to me that as frustrating it is to realize there is SO much I do not know and might not ever know, there is also a comfort in it.
So now, feeling like this, and the comfort I get in this, I wonder why I still feel so inadequate in the depth of my knowledge. Granted, I know there are plenty of Christians who could quote more Bible verses than me, and who have spent much greater lengths of time figuring out their theology of just about everything. But how much so much in the Bible, and so much of being a Christian, is seems to be bragged about or argued over. I dont really understand. I dont understand why it is such an accomplishment to "know" more than our Christian brothers and sisters. I think it definitely a gift...that needs to be shared. I think it is a blessing to have the opportunity to learn to be able to teach others, but why do I feel that on this campus (and out in the world, in general) we feel the need to defend ourselves so much and argue our stance on one thing or another. Dont get me wrong, I think being able to back up what we believe is crucial in this life, and I am challenged right now more than ever to be able to stand behind what I live for, what I believe in, and be able to explain how I ahve reached such conclusions and under what grounds I can make such claims. But to make a person feel foolish because of their lack of knowledge...I do not understand such a thing. Granted, I cannot write all this without acknowledging the fact that I am the only one who can let myself feel foolish over another person's words. I guess I am just in awe of some of the conversations I have not only been a part of, but also witnessed others partake in. (e.g. my second week on this campus, I was wandering and ended up in the apartment of two people I knew not well at all. Within five minutes, I left, because they were in a VERY heated debate over Calvinism vs. Arminianism...two things that I then had no clue about. And even now that I do, I STILL disagree with the manner in which they were having such a negative discussion about how wrong the other person was)
Maybe this is me taking things to an extreme. I tend to do that sometimes, and I realize that. :) I guess it has just been something that has been on my mind since coming to this school almost two years ago. And I write this fully aware of the fact that I do the same things at time...maybe not with theology but I'll tend to debate my "stance" on certain psychological or counseling issues. But I think its something to think about. As Christians, what is commendable about proving that we know more. That we could out-argue someone. That we have had more education than others. What we know, what we learn, what we can begin to grasp of the physical world, or even more important, of God and His purposes and His Word...I think that is all a blessing. I dont say this to undermine God's intent on us reading, studying, reflecting, memorizing His word. I dont think it means to be comfortable and live life perfectly ok not knowing anything, because through studying and learning about God, I believe we grow with God, we grow in our relationship with Jesus Christ, and we learn more and more every day what it means to live as a Christian and to love others. But I also have a difficult time grasping the importance of "knowing more" and taking pride in that.
Its interesting to me that God created us with the brains in our heads...fully knowing that we would never, could never completely understand Him or think like Him. He gave us His word, but yet he knew we would study it, misinterpret it, argue over it, and have our own interpersonal debates over what we can actually know as truth. Thankfully He also gave us His holy spirit...sometimes in the midst of being at such an intellectual grad school surrounded by people that understand and know far more than me, I would easily want to throw in the towel if it werent for my relationship with Christ...for the peace and joy that subsides deep within me even when everything is completely overwhelming me. For finding my worth and security in Him even when Satan attacks me in every way possible and I begin to think about all that I do not know and even more frightening, doubt what I think I do know. I'm grateful for my faith, and for God bringing me to this place in my life where I can struggle with all of this and be okay. And, despite how negatively my blog might seem to convey how I feel about my colleagues, I am so grateful for everyone at this school. The part of me that doesnt feel inferior to the incredibly intelligent people here is aware of how much I also am learning from those people.
OK well this ended up much longer than I had anticipated. IF youve made it through the entire thing, thank you for reading. haha. I feel like part of the blog might not convey my complete thought process because my fingers do not work as fast as my brain does. Oh well... so xanga...here I am, writing again. :) Hope you all have a good day.
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| I'm in a weird mood tonight.
I don't really know what has been up with me lately. Especially the past few days. For some reason, I've been much more sensitive than I usually am (and no, its not that I'm just extra hormonal!) I've been noticing that things have been offending me more than usual... more specifically people making fun of me or just joking around.
I guess what is so weird to me is that under normal circumstances, I'm right there with everyone, laughing at myself and joking right back. But lately, for some reason, its been getting to me. And it happened a lot again tonight.
Right now I'm just feeling down.
Anyway, I wish I could snap out of this "miss sensitive" mode. I don't like being offended so easily. I don't like the weird mood that overcomes me when my feelings are hurt. I'm not really sure of how to handle myself right now, because really a little "making fun" shouldn't be this big of a deal to me...
I'm going to head to bed, I just needed to get this off my chest I guess. I feel like I could cry right now and it seems so ridiculous to me that something so trivial could affect me this much. Pray for me, please?
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| Today. Monday, December 3, 2007. It is very cold outside. One of the things I've noticed about this campus is how quiet it can be (an extreme difference from U of I) and when its this cold outside, for some reason it seems all the more peaceful and quiet. Even though the wind was biting this morning, I really enjoyed the walk to my class....which made me think that I would like to (get ALL bundled up and) take a walk tonight as well. Something about it being that quiet...I don't know, I cant really put my finger on it but its beautiful and serene and I love it~
Life is pretty incredible right now. In the general sense, with this semester coming to an end and finals and papers and figuring out next semester and trying to see everyone as much as I can before heading home for a few weeks, it has its moments of chaos. However, despite the chaos, I feel so very blessed. This school has been good to me so far; I really enjoy my classes and I just know I have so much to gain from having such incredible professors here. I couldn't ask for a better education right now, and I am so grateful. Yes, its stressful at times, but hey, it wouldn't be grad school if it wasn't.
On top of my classes and professors, Ive made some unbelievable friends. Last year was a year of solitude, for the most part. It required a lot of maturation and growth on my behalf, and I'm pretty confident I could not have handled the year as well as I did if not for my relationship with Jesus Christ. Now, this year, so much has changed. I no longer am working full time, but instead am a full time grad student, doing crazy grad students things such as studying on a Friday evening. (Never EVER would have seen myself doing THAT three years ago). I have a solid group of friends, and a best friend as my roommate that has really become more like a sister in the past few months. I have people I can trust, people I can have fun with, and people I can come to if I need anything, whether that be someone to talk to, someone to pray with, or someone to just escape with and go get a hot beverage. :) There is so much to learn about oneself in solitude, but I'm learning there is also so much to learn from the significant people in my life as well.
I'm also continuing to learn the areas in which I need some work. More lately than ever, I have taken on the complex of wanting to "save people" or do more than I really can. I've under-appreciated the power of prayer, and have wanted to intervene in situations where my heart is just telling me to let go and let God do the work. This is difficult for me, especially when its people I love. My natural instinct is to jump in full force, offering whatever advice I can, doing whatever practical things that I can, and trying in every way possible to make the situation better for whomever is involved. Sometimes, its hard to just surrender such situations. I have a friend back home that I need to do this with, and I feel so helpless being up here and not able to be the best friend I can be since I am not there physically. The more I think about it, I'm starting to figure out that there is some part of me that much get a sense of worth from helping others, from being needed. I'm sure to an extent, that is a positive thing, as it is a motivating and driving factor in the future career I will hold, but to another degree, I need to surrender this and realize that even if I AM able to help a situation, its only through God's work through (and in spite of) me. And that its NOT MY JOB to save people. What I haven't figured out yet is why (yes, the big w-h-y) its difficult for me to just let go. Maybe in the next two years that I am here, I will figure that out....if not, hopefully in this lifetime anyway. :)
Regardless, if you are reading this and have gotten this far and feel inspired to pray for the situation, I would appreciate it. Both for me, and for the people I desperately want to be helping right now but not entirely certain of what else I possibly can do.
I'm excited that its December. I'm excited that I'm at this place in my life. And I'm excited for the next couple of years and seeing what God has in store for me.
Ok! Thats all for now. I'm off to study for my Marriage and Family Counseling Final. (one thing that does NOT excite me...ha) :)
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| I think I might start "blogging" again.
I keep going through phases but I miss it, a bit. We'll see if I can find the time.
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| Right now, at this very moment in my life, I could use really use some friends.
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